Sexy Magical Farting Schoolgirl Kaatoman-chan!
by CosmicAutumnRebel
Summary: Magical girl AU. Cartman's an average preteen ... except for one thing. He is actually a skilled, magical fighter who fights in his mom's clothes, using farts to deflect his adversaries! Crack fic, absolutely a crack fic. Kyman. One-shot, unless someone wants to see more. Art by mikyan.
1. Chapter 1

The gleaming ring on Cartman's finger flashed a red light as he laid on the couch. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed and jumped up from his relaxation. "It's the signal!"

He stripped naked immediately, then whipped on a thong and bra. Pulling his incredibly short, pleated skirt up around his waist, he miraculously fastened the button and flew off, eating an entire bag of cheesy poofs. He knew he would have to face Kyle 'Puff' Broflovski. What a fucking douchebag, that Puff kid. He thought he had the right to absorb everyone into that massive fucking jewfro of his.

Cartman arrived in the center of South Park, staring down Puff. "I like your fucking obvious boner, it goes nicely with your broccoli hair."

"It'd look even nicer UP YOUR ASS..."

"Go ahead, fuck me... up."

"Be careful what you wish for, cocksucker. I could kick your oversized ass any day. Not that I'd want to, though, my foot would probably end up engulfed in it's squishy mass."

"Yo hair is wack, muthafucka!"

The two inexplicably superpowered boys began battling. Puff tried to absorb Cartman into his hair, but the chubby crossdresser dodged his attack and retaliated by farting forcefully and loudly in his face. His massive, powerful ass shook as he gyrated intuitively at his adversary. "Stop that!"

Cartman hiked up his skirt and showed Kyle his black, lacy thong underwear.

"You cocky, fat little-I'm gonna kick your ass now!" Angrily, Kyle kicked Cartman square in the balls. But instead of shrieking in pain, Cartman moaned and tried to grind against Kyle's leg. Disgusted, he tried to shake him off. When he finally managed to get rid of the perverted boy clinging to him, Kyle had a firm grip on Cartman's ass.

"Oh, you like that, don't you, Puff?"

"Goddamnit, don't call me Puff!"

"You didn't deny it, Kahl..."

Cartman giggled and thrust his chest out, his squishy boy-tits bouncing around in Kyle's face. "You want it?"

"No. No, Cartman, I do not want it."

"Yeah you do..." Cartman moved towards Kyle, seductively flaunting his feminine physique. "You want it like Ebony D'arkness Dementia Raven Way wants Draco Malfoy, babe."

"What the fuck are you talking about, Cartman?"

Cartman burst into tears. "MY IMMORTAL NEVER ENDED AND NOBODY EVER GETS TO KNOW IF ENOBY ENDS UP WITH DRAKO!" Cartman's purple mascara began to run down his cheeks.

Kyle angrily stared at Cartman. He was making no sense, and his skirt lamely hung off his fleshy, unbelievably huge ass. He'd probably stolen that bra from his mom, but his tits were apparently even bigger than hers, since they spilled over the cups like cupcakes.

Yum, cupcakes...

Kyle suavely gripped onto Cartman's breasts out of pure impulse.

"K-Kahl? What're you doing?"

Kyle knocked Cartman to the ground.

"K-Kahl...don't touch me like that..."

Kyle kneed Cartman in the stomach.

Cartman simultaneously moaned and choked.

Kyle forced his tongue between Cartman's plump, pink lips.

* * *

_author's note: _**I'm sincerely, movingly sorry. I got the framework for this fic (Cartman as a farting magical girl) in my screwed up mind about two months ago. And then, on Thursday night, I fleshed it out (pun obviously intended) on paper.**

**And now I've gone and created a monster.**

**Well, enjoy...?**

**~Ronnie**


	2. Chapter 2

Kyle came back up from the kiss, staring into Cartman's reddening face. He was breathing heavily, and his jellylike physique quaked under Kyle's legs. Kyle's hat had long parted from his head, and his hair was clumpy and soaked in sweat. Pupils dilated and eyes wide, Cartman started grinding his hips up against Kyle.

Kyle kicked him in the balls. But Cartman just moaned harder and bucked his hips again.

"Stop trying to get it on with me! You're not as hot as you think..." Kyle growled through gritted teeth. He worked his fingers up to Cartman's nipples, and began twisting them.

Cartman giggled and stuck out his chest. "Go on..."

"What, you have some kind of torture fetish?"

"It's called masochism, dumbass."

Kyle grinned. This was completely morally sound-Cartman loved it!

"You want some more?" Kyle taunted, and Cartman nodded in response.

Kyle started by kneeing Cartman in the balls a few more times, then moved his hands down and grabbed two handfuls of Cartman's plentiful, glorious ass. He squeezed the flesh between his fingers, and then realized he was holding something very wet and very sticky.

"Wh-what..."

"Didn't I tell you I shit glitter glue?"

"OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!" Kyle jumped up and threw himself into the fountain as Cartman squatted, sparkly Ke$ha-esque skirt bunched up at the bottom of his back. He grunted loudly, and then a glitter glue-saturated cupcake exited his ass.

"Cartman, did your fat ass just spawn a cupcake?"

"Yes, Kahl. It did indeed spawn a cupcake."

"'Kay, then." Kyle ran off uncomfortably.

Just then, Professor Chaos arrived.

"Hey, can I eat this cupcake?"

"Yeah, Butters-"

"Chaos!"

"-Chaos, go ahead and eat it." Cartman smirked.

Chaos devoured the cupcake.

"Wow, Eric, this is really good! It tastes like every fast food, ever, but mixed into a cupcake!"

"It came out my ass."

"OH HAMBURGERS!" Butters screamed, and started crying.

"Don't cry! It's magical..."

"BUT IT'S AN ASS CUPCAKE!"

"Don't you want to..." Cartman whipped off his brakini top, "touch my body?"

Butters stared at Cartman's manboobs. They beckoned, in all their splendor. Butters had to touch them.

"Yes..."

Butters pounced on Cartman's chest, shamelessly fondling the twin mountains of androgyny. They were one of Cartman's erogeneous zones, and he licked Butters' cheek. "Do that some more..." Cartman moaned, mooning over the blonde.

But Butters was high! He always got so high after eating Cartman's glitter glue diarrhea. He began to see Nicki Minaj unicorn ninjas everywhere! Ooh my god!" Butters screamed.

The ninja Nicki unicorns suddenly vomited in unison. They first regurgitated the letter S, then a W, followed by an A, and subsequently a G.

"Swag..." Butters muttered.

Suddenly, pixy stick nyan cat Justin Bieber-headed nuns invaded. "SHOOT THEM, BUTTERS!"

Butters did as he was told. He grabbed Cartman and squeezed his waist until all of his farts came out.

The candy Bieber-headed nun cats disintegrated at the smell of the morbid, toxic gas.

"WE DID IT!"


End file.
